I always wanted to write a novel and maybe one day I will.....for I won't have to leave my house to do so!!!!!
This blog is about what my life is like living with GAD and OCD.I thought ALOT about this,and putting it into words helps clarify it for me.
My very first experience with GAD came at age 22.Usually it is noted that you remember this first time.......my Uncle Vin had passed away and it was the very first time,as an adult,that I had to face the big "D".I was paralyzed by it.As a kid my folks shielded me from wakes and funerals,so as an adult,I had to attend this one.I went and did ok,but they became a phobia for me,and I was ill for a very long time afterwards,CONVINCED I was now going to die,too.It was irrational,and GAD(general anxiety disorder) wasn't a known thing back in '81.I suffered in silence for months..it manifested itself in alot of different ways.I couldn't go to a restaurant,for I'd sit there in total fear.....why?WHO KNOWS????But for a long time,I avoided them.I was great when I was home,I felt safest there and still do.
It is NOT a rational thing,something that you cannot explain to someone unless they too have the disorder.The closest I can get is,if you have a relative or someone close who is suffering from a catastophic illness and the outcome is not going to be good.You wait on a daily basis for the worst to happen,living with that stress when you wake up,and when you go to bed.Waiting waiting,with baited breath,for the "worst" to happen.Only in my life,there is (right now) no one terminally ill.And now throw menopause into the mix......
I am taking meds for this now well known disorder and it DOES help me...to a point.My doc told me I will have to stay on them forever,it is not my imagination causing the "worry" but an actual brain imbalance.Problem is,these meds cause weight gain,so a few weeks ago I decided to go OFF of them.Weaned myself off slowly,cause I went thru a withdrawl once going cold turkey and it was absolutely horrid.Anyhow,I digress.I went off of them and about 3 weeks into the withdrawl I got........insomnia.Now I know most folks have occasional trouble sleeping,especially as you get older,but THIS was NOT normal insomnia.This was pacing the floor insomnia,"driving my car at 4 am with no headlights on" insomina and my husband had NO clue what to do with or for,me.So it was back to my docs,who immediately put me back on my GAD meds.They kicked in fairly quickly and things are better now...but I will never be quite like everyone else........I will never hold a 9-5 job,I will never be an "outstanding citizen'' who joins tons of programs and is a well known person in her community.I am able to function on a daily basis fairly easily UNTIL changes occur,then things get tense again.I have come to realise that this is something I cannot escape...only deal with the best I can.I always felt like a failure,I don't have a college degree,I don't hold a prestigious position....but now I realise why.....it just scares me to death! I hold the fear at bay best I can and if you knew me,you'd never ever guess what is going on inside that blonde head of mine.I am lucky that my husband Ron does understand,that he is able and does support and take care of me in this,but it also makes me sad as he works VERY hard to do so,and he isn't getting any younger.But he hears me going up and down the stairs all night,knows I am pacing,understands that I am coping the best I can,and that there is no real cure.Therapy helps,but only to a point...prayer helps,too......I know I am saying "never" alot here,but I have to face reality.
So I try to be happy and fulfilled as a wife and mother for it is probably all I will ever be....acceptance is a big part of it.I felt horrible guilt for years,forced myself to get out and work and now am fighting off the effects of all those years....and its not easy.
The good thing about getting older is learning who you are,and learning to deal with it.I will never be a jubilant,outgoing,peppy,optimistic person.We all have shortcomings,none of us are perfect,and like I often say,
I called the Doc and asked him if I could try the new sleeping pill Rozerem.........its not addictive,so he called me in a script.It does NOT work! Not for me,anyway.Its not narcotic,and I'd fall asleep,but wake up every hour or two,all night long.After that happened the first night,I thought ok maybe a fluke,so I tried it again last night and same damn thing.And its SO expensive!! Cost me $35 for a copay and the total cost without insurance would have been around $165!!!! For a product worth SHIT.Basically I am having menopausal insomnia and who knows what else.I will have to stick to my xanax I guess!
Yesterday my sisters and I went on one of our shopping days,,,to the Christmas Tree Shop in Orange.Its not christmas stuff per se,just the name of the store.Its one of our favorites for knick knacks,wreaths and cute housey stuff.We went to the Cracker Barrel for lunch,another dangerous place cause it has a country store attached to it! They have all sorts of toys too and had this toy parrot that repeated back everything you said to it......lets just say we're lucky we didn't get tossed outta there...but it was in the back and I dont think anyone heard us.
Good thing...hehe.
We went to Laurel Beach after that to check it out,as we may rent a house there at some point.Gorgeous beach,clean,the houses are all well kept and very nice.The folks who own the house we rent each year are always talking about selling,so we may have to look elsewhere.I wish we could buy it,but none of us has a million bucks...blah!
Tonight Joe had 2 of his pals over and their usual fare is pizza,burgers or some other crap.Well tonight I decided dinner was on me,I cooked em turkey burgers and corn on the cob...they never knew it was turkey,and their plates were empty when they brought them into the kitchen.I also bought Coke Zero,soda is SO bad for you.....this may help abit.Then again,my mother will be 89 on Tuesday and drinks regular Coke every day.Pffffffft
Pup and pounds Mood: spacey
Well we got our receipt today for the deposit we sent in for our pup that we will get in November.The woman who we are buying from has been breeding and showing pedigreed Goldens since 1971 and believe me,we are paying for all the knowledge and experience.I could probably have lipo for the damn amount,but eh,maybe I'll lose some of this poundage running around with the doggie.Have to take it on 3 30 minutes walks A DAY to keep it from excess chewing and all that fun stuff...
Been a rainy August here in CT.Thats ok though...I don't really mind as long as I am not having an outdoor function.August is not one of my favorite months....in a few years I suppose,when Joe is outta school and I don't have the threat of getting up a 6:25 am everyday,I won't care as much.Seems in August all I do is count down to September and that horrid alarm clock.Yes I do have a phobia about early early morning because I suffer from chronic insomnia.I never make any appointments til afternoon and try to make all social dates after 11 am.Otherwise,chances are I'll be going on 2 hours sleep.I was up and down till 5:30 this morning.Yeah I have pills but they don't work as much anymore and my doc is cautious about giving me more.Menopausal insomnia is a BIG thing,and I dont want to go the HRT route either,so,I suffer.I may have to get meds for my RLS as its getting quite severe now.The meds for it are POWERFUL,but I think the time is getting near where I really need it.
I also try hard NOT to watch the news,as it endlessly depresses me.
So here I am,blogging again! Its a kinda boring humid Sunday here,Ron is working AS USUAL,and Joe is home with me.I went on a cleaning binge today.Got a hint from my pal Joanie to make a list of what I intend to accomplish in each room,and to cross off each thing so I don't get overwhelmed.SO,this I did.....and I do feel abit accomplished!
Do I care that these are small accomplishments in my life,that they are not HUGE ones like solving world peace or some crap......nah.I do what I can,and I am what I am and it is what it is.
I have a profile to the left of here,where it says View Profile.
I usually blog over on my MySpace,but not on a daily basis.I miss it! I have decided to begin a daily (well alright,maybe not daily but,eh,more often) journal.It will help me to vent sometimes and also enable me to look back and see what was what!!
not sure
spacey
chatty
a-ok
