My Life As A Woman....
I always wanted to write a novel and maybe one day I will.....for I won't have to leave my house to do so!!!!!
This blog is about what my life is like living with GAD and OCD.I thought ALOT about this,and putting it into words helps clarify it for me.
My very first experience with GAD came at age 22.Usually it is noted that you remember this first time.......my Uncle Vin had passed away and it was the very first time,as an adult,that I had to face the big "D".I was paralyzed by it.As a kid my folks shielded me from wakes and funerals,so as an adult,I had to attend this one.I went and did ok,but they became a phobia for me,and I was ill for a very long time afterwards,CONVINCED I was now going to die,too.It was irrational,and GAD(general anxiety disorder) wasn't a known thing back in '81.I suffered in silence for months..it manifested itself in alot of different ways.I couldn't go to a restaurant,for I'd sit there in total fear.....why?WHO KNOWS????But for a long time,I avoided them.I was great when I was home,I felt safest there and still do.
It is NOT a rational thing,something that you cannot explain to someone unless they too have the disorder.The closest I can get is,if you have a relative or someone close who is suffering from a catastophic illness and the outcome is not going to be good.You wait on a daily basis for the worst to happen,living with that stress when you wake up,and when you go to bed.Waiting waiting,with baited breath,for the "worst" to happen.Only in my life,there is (right now) no one terminally ill.And now throw menopause into the mix......
I am taking meds for this now well known disorder and it DOES help me...to a point.My doc told me I will have to stay on them forever,it is not my imagination causing the "worry" but an actual brain imbalance.Problem is,these meds cause weight gain,so a few weeks ago I decided to go OFF of them.Weaned myself off slowly,cause I went thru a withdrawl once going cold turkey and it was absolutely horrid.Anyhow,I digress.I went off of them and about 3 weeks into the withdrawl I got........insomnia.Now I know most folks have occasional trouble sleeping,especially as you get older,but THIS was NOT normal insomnia.This was pacing the floor insomnia,"driving my car at 4 am with no headlights on" insomina and my husband had NO clue what to do with or for,me.So it was back to my docs,who immediately put me back on my GAD meds.They kicked in fairly quickly and things are better now...but I will never be quite like everyone else........I will never hold a 9-5 job,I will never be an "outstanding citizen'' who joins tons of programs and is a well known person in her community.I am able to function on a daily basis fairly easily UNTIL changes occur,then things get tense again.I have come to realise that this is something I cannot escape...only deal with the best I can.I always felt like a failure,I don't have a college degree,I don't hold a prestigious position....but now I realise why.....it just scares me to death! I hold the fear at bay best I can and if you knew me,you'd never ever guess what is going on inside that blonde head of mine.I am lucky that my husband Ron does understand,that he is able and does support and take care of me in this,but it also makes me sad as he works VERY hard to do so,and he isn't getting any younger.But he hears me going up and down the stairs all night,knows I am pacing,understands that I am coping the best I can,and that there is no real cure.Therapy helps,but only to a point...prayer helps,too......I know I am saying "never" alot here,but I have to face reality.
So I try to be happy and fulfilled as a wife and mother for it is probably all I will ever be....acceptance is a big part of it.I felt horrible guilt for years,forced myself to get out and work and now am fighting off the effects of all those years....and its not easy.
The good thing about getting older is learning who you are,and learning to deal with it.I will never be a jubilant,outgoing,peppy,optimistic person.We all have shortcomings,none of us are perfect,and like I often say,
"I am what I am...."
